Not only are we likely to try to win the prize, then, “but we’re going to try to keep it.” Fisher has identified common stages that people go through after being dumped: first shock, but then protest. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who helped administer the Match survey, told me that these changes are adaptive: Finding a partner-“life’s greatest prize”-can motivate us to mate and pass down our genes. After a breakup, the brain’s functional architecture doesn’t always go back to the way it was before. If that proportion seems high, consider this: Falling in love changes us physiologically, even permanently. In a 2021 survey of 5,000 single Americans, nearly a third of participants said that they would get back with an ex if they could. R euniting with a past partner is, for many people, a deeply appealing prospect. A solid union requires a curious mix of chemistry, timing, and work-not just for second-chance couples, but for all of us. Their do-overs, they told me, taught them a lot about what makes relationships last. And when they returned to each other, they returned determined: They debriefed they problem-solved they tested they improved. But time passed their lives changed, and so did they. When their relationships ended, they largely thought that ending was permanent. I talked with several people who are happily back together with former exes. They couldn’t make it work, and then they could. I was curious, though, about those who have reunited-and stayed reunited for years. Of course, some partners are better off apart.
In fact, getting back with an ex is not so uncommon: One 2013 study found that more than a third of cohabiting couples and one-fifth of married ones have broken up before. But not every rekindled couple gets trapped on that merry-go-round, or thrown off it into the dust. The more times a relationship ends and begins again, the less likely a couple is to be happy in it.
Those cycles are linked to worse relationship quality and more depression and anxiety symptoms. In the eyes of the researchers who study them, “cyclical” relationships-those involving one or more “breakup and renewal” cycles-can be troubling. Maybe, in this case, you might actually get a second chance. Maybe some memories have started sneaking up on you: the sound of your ex’s laugh, their quirky mannerisms, all the little ways they supported you that you took for granted. But say you come to believe-and you certainly wouldn’t be the first-that your breakup was a mistake. You can’t go back in time to study for a failed exam, or take a job offer you declined, or tell someone you care for them before they die.
S o many regrets in life are impossible to rectify. This article was featured in One Story to Read Today, a newsletter in which our editors recommend a single must-read from The Atlantic, Monday through Friday.
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